Of first fights and unexpected revelations
by GinnytheQueen
Summary: "Emma and Julian didn't fight. They never fought. She wondered if he was as baffled as she was. She kept hearing what he'd said over and over: that he wouldn't have wanted a parabatai. Part of her never wanted to talk about it again, but another part of her wanted clarification. Was it any parabatai he didn't want, or her specifically?" – excerpt from Lady Midnight


" _He looked calm—he looked exhausted, actually. There were dark circles under his eyes._

 _Emma and Julian didn't fight. They never fought. She wondered if he was as baffled as she was. She kept hearing what he'd said over and over: that_ _ **he wouldn't have wanted a parabatai**_ _. Part of her never wanted to talk about it again, but another part of her wanted clarification. Was it any parabatai he didn't want, or her specifically?_ "

— Lady Midnight

* * *

"I hate this rune."

It takes Emma a second to process those four words. " _What?_ "

She turns to see if her assumption was correct, and normally she wouldn't need to – she always knows what he's thinking – but what he said is just so ridiculously impossible that she needs to check. And yes, she had been right. He was pointing at the parabatai rune and Emma can't believe her eyes.

"The sight of it, what it stands for," he continues.

"Excuse me," she interrupts, "do you have something to tell me?"

"I don't want a parabatai."

"Want to get that rune stripped? Too bad you can't. You're stuck with me until death, I'm afraid."

She'd never thought she could feel so many things in one single instant. But Julian has that effect on her.

"Well, it's a little too late, don't you think?"

"Yeah. Just voicing my thoughts."

"Was this a sudden realization or something you've known for a while?" she asks, irritated.

He takes his time to answer. "It's not sudden," he says calmly. "I think I've always known."

There's no accusatory edge to his voice, just flat honesty. Emma hates it.

"Then why the hell did you ask me to be your parabatai? Because I remember very clearly that it was _you_ who asked _me_ , not the other way around."

She'd never forget his words. His face. His tone. She would remember that moment for as long as she lived.

 _"We could—" he started, then stopped, swallowed, and started again. "We could become_ parabatai _."_  
 _He said it shyly, half-turning his face away from her, so that the shadows partially hid his expression._  
 _"Then they couldn't separate us," he added. "Not ever."_  
 _Emma felt her heart turn over. "Jules, being parabatai is a big deal," she said. "It's—it's forever."_  
 _He looked at her, his face open and guileless. There was no trickery in Jules, no darkness. "_ Aren't we forever _?" he asked._

"I did ask you. But Emma, we were twelve. I wish the Clave would change its ways."

Oh, there are a lot of laws Emma wants the Clave to change.

"We shouldn't be rushed in choosing a parabatai so young. It's not an easy choice, and it's one you can't unmake. It's like asking kids who they want to marry. They'll pick a partner they think it's right for them – at the time – and then no matter what, you're stuck with them for the rest of your life."

"I don't understand," Emma says. "Is this a polite way to say that you've grown bored of me, Julian?"

"Of course not." She releases a breath she didn't know she was holding. "It's just that I wouldn't have wanted a parabatai."

"So why did you ask me?"

"Emma, you know why I asked you. They would've separated us, sent you who knows where. We had just lost half of our families and I couldn't – we couldn't afford to be split apart."

"So you couldn't stand losing me then, but you can't wait to get rid of me now, is that it?"

 _"By the Angel, Emma_ – of course not! How could you even think that?"

"It's what you just said!"

"Don't turn this into a fight."

"We _are_ fighting!"

"You're the one who's doing all the yelling," he says, his voice flat.

"I can't believe you sometimes. You just said that – you know what? Forget it. I'm calling the Rosales and I'm training with _them_ today."

"Yeah, go ahead and _train_ with perfect Jaime, I won't stop you."

"That's exactly what I'm gonna do."

"Then why are you still here?"

"I don't even know," she says and turns and runs.

* * *

"Emma," Cristina's voice shakes her out of her knife-throwing loop.

"Yes?"

"You're gonna make the Institute collapse if you throw any more daggers at that wall. That hole you just made is pretty large."

"So what?" she replies, not stopping anyway.

Cristina shrugs, ever so practical. "Just thought I'd let you know. You're angry now, but in hindsight, I don't think you'll be glad you destroyed your home."

 _Your home._

"I'm not angry."

 _Home is where your family is._

"Oh, sure you're not. And I'm dating Jace Herondale."

"Hello, _Clary_. How's preparation for the wedding?"

 _But her family is dead._

Tina sighs, exasperated. "Will you just stop throwing daggers at the wall, please?"

 _You belong where you're loved_. Does that apply to her as well? Because if she doesn't belong here, at the Institute, with Jules and the kids, then does she really have a place in the world?

She drops the dagger she's about to throw.

"Thank you," Tina says. "Now, do you wanna talk about it?"

"I don't know what you mean."

Emma starts doing pushups and Cristina doesn't push it.

* * *

"Hey Diego," Emma calls the next day after training. "Wanna grab lunch later?"

Her plan to avoid Julian would be failing miserably if she didn't have the Rosales to hang out with.

"I'm starving," Diego says and smiles. "Let me take a quick shower and we can go."

She hears Julian's door shut down the hall.

Diego gives her a _what can you do_ shrug and takes off his shirt as he moves into his room.

Honestly, Emma doesn't even feel guilty. Julian started this. She's not going to be alone and sulk. She's going to have fun with her _other_ friends.

* * *

"Is Cameron going to join us?" Jaime asks.

Emma shakes her head. "I haven't heard from him all day."

"Why? Are you two fighting?"

"I don't always want my boyfriend around, Tina. Today is for lunch with friends."

"Why isn't Julian here then?"

"He had stuff to do," she lies and thankfully, she is saved by the waiter coming to get their ordinations.

"It _is_ about Julian, isn't it?" Cristina accuses her as soon as they're alone.

"What are you talking about?"

"You and Julian had a fight," she says, and it's not a question.

" _That_ is what you dragged me to the bathroom for? I was having fun!

"I'm glad at least one of us _enjoys_ spending time with _Perfect Diego_."

"Come on, Tina. It's 2012. Your mother is not gonna force you to marry –"

"Don't try to change the subject. We're not talking about me and Diego. We're talking about you and Julian."

"There is no me and Julian, Cristina. Yes, we had a fight. People have those."

"You two don't. I've never seen you fight."

"First time for everything, I guess."

"What happened?"

"Will you please just leave me alone? I don't wanna talk about it."

"Fine, you don't want to talk about it. So you're just going to avoid him forever? I like training with you, and you can bet that Jaime and Diego love a challenge–"

"So what?" she interrupts and Cristina makes an impatient noise.

"Are you not gonna talk to him? Like, ever again? Is that your plan, Emma? Because that doesn't sound very smart to me."

 _Fuck it_ , she thinks and drops the bomb.

"He said he hates being parabatai."

" _What?_ "

"Yeah. Same reaction."

"He _loves_ being your parabatai. His mood improves by 90% every time you enter the room."

"He said asking me to be parabatai was a foolish choice."

"He was lying. You know he didn't mean it, Emma."

"He sounded pretty serious to me. It felt like –"

"Like he was breaking up with you?"

"No, it didn't feel like a stupid breakup. Julian is not my boyfriend, for the Angel's sake, I _have_ a boyfriend! It felt like… like a fucking divorce," the last word comes out more high-pitched than she'd expected. "You think everything is okay and then the man who proposed with promises of being by your side forever comes to you with no reason whatsoever and says it was the biggest mistake he's ever made. That's what it felt like. It was completely out of the blue, we were training and talking and laughing and doing the things we do every day and he just – he just dropped it there. Like he was commenting Ty's new collection of bugs or Dru's favorite ice cream flavor."

"I'll talk to him, if you don't want to."

"No. This – whatever it is – has to stay between me and Julian."

"I'm afraid it's too late for that. Drusilla came to _me_ this morning and asked me if I knew what was going on."

"Dru came to you? Have the two of you ever actually had a conversation before?"

"You see my point. The kids noticed something about you and Julian is off. She said they were afraid to ask you since Julian won't tell them anything."

"So she came to you?"

"Look, Emma, you're right and it's none of my business but you need to figure out a way to fix this."

"You think I don't know that?" she says, a little too loud. "You think I'm not dying to talk to him? This is killing me. I don't want anything more than to forget this whole story, but Tina, what he said was just too much. I can't just forget it and move on. I don't think Julian wants to, either."

"So what do you plan on doing?"

"I don't fucking know! I can't think of anything right now – I can't think about what he said, it _hurts_. It fucking hurts. But I can't just be selfish and not talk to him and maybe leave because what are our children going to think?"

"You just called –"

"I _know_ , slip of the tongue, okay? But I guess it's true, isn't it? Julian and I have been parenting his siblings since we were twelve years old. If I decide not to forgive him for what he said, I lose my family. I go away, I lose everything. And I can't lose any more people, Tina. Where do I belong if not with him? Julian is my best friend."

"No, I'm your best friend. He's your parabatai. And, Emma. He didn't mean it."

Maybe Tina is right. Or maybe she isn't. But there's really no point in speculating here.

"I need to go home," is all Emma says before sprinting out of the bathroom, and Cristina nods.

"Livvy!" she calls. "Where's your brother?"

"Which one of my brothers?"

"The one that owes me an explanation."

"Sulking in his room, like he's been for the past three –"

Emma doesn't even let her finish.

She bursts in unannounced and Julian jumps in surprise, turning to see who's interrupting.

"Oh," he says and shifts his attention back to the canvas. "It's just you."

 _Just me?_

Until very recently, Emma was confident that her place would always be with Jules, and his with her. They were each other's everything, and always would be; and she'd never, in her wildest dreams dared to imagine that one day she would become something that was less than enough for him. _It's just you_.

"Yeah, it's just me. Your incredibly annoying parabatai that you didn't want. Until death parts me and thee, unfortunately."

"Em," he whispers, and she can feel rather than hear something off in his voice. "I did not mean what I said to you. By the Angel, I didn't. You know I didn't. Emma, please."

"Julian…"

"I'm asking you to forget _one_ conversation –"

"A very serious one –"

"– and to hold on to our whole lives. Seventeen years of friendship. Can you do that? Please."

Emma doesn't know if it's the words, or the tone, or the expression that crack her. Or the fact that it's _Jules_ , or that she wants this so badly it hurts. She nods, slowly, as he makes his way to her and quietly hugs her. No more words are spoken for the rest of the night.

* * *

 **A/N:** aaaand I'm back! Lady Midnight is almost upon us — one month! I. can't. wait. I have a couple of other fics about Emma and Jules to post before LM comes out, so keep an eye open for that in case you liked this and my other fic about them, Mistletoe. Reviews/favorites/whatever you like are also much appreciated.

Alright, I'm off. Until next time,

 _Ginny_theQueen_


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